Paul Schell, the Mayor of the fine American city of Seattle was recently hit in the face with a megaphone wielded by a carzed protestor. Magically, this incident has imbued Schell with superior insight into the human condition. Schell has chosen to use his considerable powers for good (not evil!) to help solve the problems of humanity like a super radioactice 'Dear Abby'.

Dear The Mayor of Seattle,

I'm at my wit's end! My boyfriend won't listen to me! When I say 'up' he says 'down', when I say 'black' he says 'white'! Should I tell him that we need to communicate better?

Call me,
Wits End In Wichita

Dear Wits End,

First of all, why the hell are you spitting out words at him one at a time? If my lovely wife, Joanne came up to me and just said 'up', I'd say 'up yours!' and probably hit her in the face with a megaphone. Come to think of it, I think both you and your boyfriend need to be hit in the face with megaphones, that'll straighten you two out!

Dear The Mayor of Seattle,

I find that when I go out to mow my lawn it can be a painful experience! As I mow, small pebbles and twigs get thrown from underneath the mower and frequently hit me in the shins (and sometimes near my nice eyes!). I'd choose not to mow, but then the grass would grow to an unsightly level. What can be done?

No Mow in Motown

Dear No Mow in Motown,

Once again this problem can be solved with a megaphone. You can:

  • Hit the mower with a megaphone each time it spits somthing up at you
  • Frighten neighborhood children into mowing your lawn by waving a threatening looking megaphone
  • Shout at the grass through a megaphone, thus stunting its growth, that's what I do
That's free advice knucklehead.

If you'd like to ask the Mayor of Seattle for some advice please drop us a line at Ask the Mayor of Seattle!


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