Astrological Forecasts by the Great Janebo (pronounced Jah-NAY-bo, please have some respect and pronounce it correctly!)

^ ARIES (March 21-April 19)
With Venus in your sign in this month of Cinco de Mayo, I see a spicy relationship with a tempestuous Latin lover in your future. Of course this may just be indigestion. I had some really bad tacos for lunch today.

_ TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
The Sun and Mercury are dancing through your sign together right at this moment. This would be your moment to shine, if you werent such a boring ass.

` GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Four major planets are converging and moving into conjunctions in your sign this month. The Sun, Jupiter, Mercury and Saturn. Dont bother with your plans to quit smoking, because youre about to be a little too stressed out for anything but chain smoking. Your parents are getting a divorce, your partner is having an affair, quite possibly with one of your parents and soon no one will be talking with each other. Oh yeah, youre also about to be fired from your job and probably arrested for a minor felony. Also, you will have a giant pimple on your butt for several weeks. For some strange reason, this will disturb you most of all.

a CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Some people will make promises to you and keep them, others will make promises and not keep them, and still others will not make any promises and not do anything and you will manage to feel wounded and offended by all of them.

b LEO (July 23-August 22)
The Moon opposes Uranus in your sign right now, which probably explains these bowel problems Im having. Sorry for the apparent scatological pun, but the Stars dont lie. Take a look at the ephemeris you doubting-

c VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You will receive a fortune cookie in a Chinese restaurant. At first it will seem to predict good fortune, but on closer examination it will just be a glib and useless clich. You will be momentarily disappointed, but that Scorpion Bowl you were slurping on will help you quickly forget.

d LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
Your bad breath is driving everyone around you crazy. The next time someone asks you if you want gum or some mints, take the hint.

e SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
Stop calling my house, you skanky slut!

fSAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You will wake up naked in a strange bed, and if youre as unlucky as me, therell be a skanky slut right there next to you. Do not give out your phone number. Not under any circumstances.

gCAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You will be beaten up by drunken thugs as you attempt to launch your fledgling folk singing career. Absolutely nothing good will ever come from singing folk music. Particularly the self-indulgent, suicidal, teenage girl angst variety that you have decided to bore the world with.

hAQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
Your evil plot to take over the Middlesex County water commission will fail, due to the Sun being square with Neptune. When will you learn that our waterways are meant to be enjoyed by all, not just you and your band of water hoarding cronies?

i PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You will be busy chasing dreamy chimaeras off into nowhere land all month and forget to pay several bills, miss three appointments and continue to be a never-ending disappointment your parents.


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