Front Page Comics Editor Horoscope Advice

^ ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Within the next week you will see an older lady crossing the street, struggling with a bag of groceries. You have two choices: go and assist her, or walk away. Choose carefully my friend, but I have to say that if you help her there may be a plump, juicy pickle in it for you- that or a knife stab in the heart, the stars are a little unclear about it.

_ TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Venus is just moving out of your sign Taurus. And lady moon is moving in. It may be time for a new love interest in your life. However, I must say that if you think about a new love interest for even a second, your current love interest is going to dump you like yesterday�s fish heads. I mean it. Don�t think about it unless you�re ready for dumpsville. Not even for a second. I know you thought about it. You are so dumped!

` GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Venus is conjuncting with the Sun in opposition to Neptune and then moving into conjunction with Mars and it�s all about you. What does this mean? Well, your friends have always called you two-faced, but now their going to call you three-faced and the third face is going to bear a remarkable resemblance to Ricardo Montelban. This face will continually bite your neck until it falls off and shrivels up. Of course this may happen while you are sleeping so you may not even remember that it�s happened.

a CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Watch out for overly friendly strippers in the next weeks or you may find yourself running off to Mexico for a quickie divorce/marriage/divorce/treatment for gonorrhea and genital warts.

b LEO (July 23-August 22)
Oh Leo. Don�t break your arm patting yourself on the back, but you are starting to develop one heck of an ass. If your friends should happen to notice your fabulous caboose, and begin to mock or tease you, don�t worry. They just don�t understand our sophisticated love of matted, black, curly pubic hair and rivulets of cellulite. Mmmm.

c VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Your ruling planet Mercury is in opposition to the moon, so you will not buy those pants you are thinking about although you will talk about it endlessly. Blah blah blah.

d LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
To escape the tedium of your ongoing work projects you may seek amusement at some after hours dance establishment. This could be fun for you, but you probably won�t really take advantage of it because as always you�ll be stuck in your head questioning what everyone thinks about you. And yes, you�re right, they think you�re goofy.

e SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
Stop having sex with underage boys, okay? Having sex with underage boys is like, totally out, and you know, wicked gay. Oh my god.

fSAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You will become rich and famous this week and all of your dreams will come true and then you will begin to develop a substance abuse problem and you will realize that all this mad chasing after wealth and admiration is just a shadow play of illusion and you will seek wisdom in the east and you will be taken for everything you own by some self-made mahatma guru deva loan shark con man and by the end of this week you�ll be back where you started. You really may as well just sit on your ass as usual.

gCAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
This week the moon is in your birth sign. In some other signs this might mean that you�d start to get in touch with your staggering emotional conflicts, but not you Capricorn. No, not you, Cappy. You�ve developed a really complex network of self-deceptions and a web of rationalizations, haven�t you my friend? Well, don�t worry, you�ll keep fooling yourself all week long. Then, you�ll drink yourself into temporary amnesia for the weekend, won�t you? Enjoy.

hAQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
Give it up Aquarius. Nobody cares.

i PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me, I�m not sleepy and there is no place I�m going to. Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me, in the jingle jangle morning I�ll come followin� you. Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin� ship, My senses have been stripped, my hands can�t feel to grip, My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels To be wandrin�. I�m ready to go anywhere, I�m ready for to fade into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way, I promise to go under it. Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me, I�m not sleepy and there is no place I�m going to. Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me, in the jingle jangle morning I�ll come followin� you.