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The history of the thumb

by Mark Stella

Some things seem so simple, so necessary, so right, that we wonder how we ever got along without them. Toilet paper for instance. But hey, this is a family web site, and we're not going to go there.

But you get my drift. And, truth be told, things like nostrilmuffs and the Mad Magazine Fold-in just didn't materialize from thin air.

So too the human thumb, which was first discovered by the American Indian in 1621. Yes, the early settlers came to the new world without thumbs. Up until then the entire world, except for the American Indian, did not see the benefit of the appendage, and would cut them off at the age of 11.

That is why clothes made before 1621 are buttonless. Try not using either a thumb or thimble when sewing that button on the one shirt that is going to impress the blind date you were supposed to pick up ten minutes ago. Can't be done without doing major damage, drawing blood and causing you to have to change your chinos.

First Thumb use
If you want to go back to 1768, you'll find that the first man to use his thumb to clear out nose debris was George Washington. Comedian W.C. Fields would latter name this action The Thumb Pick.

Twentieth Century Marine Biologists came to understand that thumbs were neccessary in athletics. When the state of Maine (which finally stopped cutting off thumbs in 1990) tried to establish a minor-league baseball team during the '30's and 40's, it was clear the thumb needed to stay. There inability to hold baseball bats, throw and catch made it impossible for this home-grown team to be successful.

Thumb myths revealed
Since man waved about the world without thumbs until 1621, stories of thumb use before that time are bogus. The great Julius Ceaser did not determine a persons fate inside Rome's Coliseum by using the Thumbs-up/Thumbs-down technique. Instead, the Great Ceaser would extend — what we today call — the middle finger. If he pointed it down, a person was granted life. But if he held it up, a person was dead man walking.

Some historians believe this finger gesture took the place of The Ruling by Ass. The Ruling by Ass, which was discovered by the Egyptians, is a technique where a persons life was determined by the judge's naked ass. A person's life was spared if he or she just got an eye-full of ass. However, if the judge grabbed his cheeks and spread 'em open wide, your ass was sucking wind.

Life without thumbs
Without thumbs, you could not:

• Bowl
• Operate the TV remote control
• Hitch Hike
• Hold your hands to your head to make antlers
• Play marbles
• Umpire baseball games
• Give your brother a thumb shot to the ribs
• Thumb Wrestle

Modern thumb use
Today, many professions are trying to urge workers to use their thumbs more. People in the medical field are really high on thumb use. Doctors are switching fingers when they perform rectal examinations, electing to use the thumb. Even the porn industry is beginning to see that the thumb can be utilized in many ways.