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Actor Sean Penn does amazing amounts of everything
by Robert Doyle
WASHINGTONrtetert- Actor Sean Penn announced today that he has negotiated a settlement to the Iraqi question, cured baldness,  invented a newer and better Sno-Cone machine, wrestled an alligator, jumped through a flaming hoop and lived, talked Michael Jackson into resuming life as a black man, wrote the greatest novel that ever was, brokered a deal to bring peace between the Palestinians and Israelis, determined the "appropriate level of cloning to be allowed", finished shooting a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, ran a 4.4 40, talked corn conglomerates into a fair price for Kansas corn, ate a two pound steak at "Steaky's Restaurant", got a "fabulous" new haircut, debated Alan Greenspan on the state of the economy...and won, soothed a colicy baby, wrestled another alligator, traveled through time and prevented a horrible accident that we never heard of because he prevented it, unplugged a toilet in Brooklyn, and got a seagull unstuck from the plastic from a six pack of MGD.
No other details were released.
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